not a pretty girl.

purging high
i hate that lightheaded i feel like my head is floating sensation i get from a few days on a b/p binge. haha. b/p binge. anyway. i feel like total and complete shit.

i'm afriad of what my bf's going to say when i come home and drink two glasses of wine. sigh.

i want to work out tonight, shower instead of showering tomorrow morning but i probably will shower tomorrow. i want to do my nails. i dunno that may wait until tomorrow.

god i hate that fake-hunger after a purge. the knawing.

god saw some gorgeous shots of jenna jameson she's marvelous... besides the whole porn thing... her body is amazing.

i need to go tanning i'm like a sheet of paper.

i'm really rambling but i'm so tired i can't really piece my thoughts together properly... don't want to drive home,

at least the snow has stopped,

but not the cold.

yay!
so wow this week has been up and down!! let's just say that i am in such a great mood today!!

so monday i got my dreaded period (ugh) which is course means i want a)wine and b)FOOD. and lots of it. and not just food... COMFORT FOOD dun dun dun. so i had some spaghetti and a quarter of a salami sandwich and .. a mini bagel with cream cheese etc i purged it all. :( i hate purging and have vowed to STOP DOING IT bc it doesn't help with my weight at all and it also just destroys my teeth, makes my cheeks and throat puffy (aka double chin) and just makes me so unbalanced. i feel so much better when i don't.

so on to tuesday. i tried to calm down the food and seriously all week it's felt like i've been slowly but surely getting away from fatty foods and bad carbs and chocolate. and yesterday was really hard.

for the first time in years i worked out last night! omg let me tell you- im trying to stay positive here. but i could only do the elliptical for seven minutes at a time! i did that first, then got off and did some curls and benched a little bit then finished up with the elliptical again for only like 4 or 5 minutes. tonight i'm going to try to do that again but make it to a total of 15 minutes on the elliptical, i want ten minutes of power walking and then i want to do bench at a low weight and do more curls. i want to start working out every night.

i swear i'm going to do this healthy and i'm going to get in great shape. im doing this with my friend, she's a model and she used to be SO IN SHAPE it's insane. so she wants to get back to that and i want to get in the best shape of my life so i'm eating really healthy and trying to stay positive.

so far so good ;)

40 cals only today! :)

phew
so...

i'm kind of at a loss of what to say right now.

i had an ok new years eve. i was actually proud of myself for not drinking myself into a stupor, but i did drink on wed night and regretted it. i hate how fattening alcohol is.

sugar! eek.

but it's such a release. such a bad habit.

a friend of mine who's a model has been on a fast for all of this week starting tuesday, she's lost 7lbs since she weighed herself last friday. it's the master cleanser that weird lemonade diet. at first i was like eh whatev let her do what she wants but now i'm feeling a little bit resentful of myself that i didn't start it with her. i could've been lighter :(

i've been feeling so sad and resentful of myself in general, my lack of willpower, lack of strength against alcohol, just feelings of dissapointment and shame. not to mention getting into the whole food thing. i've been off on a 'normal-eating habits binge' for quite a while.

so. today, i have to eat bc i'm at work and it's impossible to think clearly if i don't. but starting after lunch today, which is at 1 when i'll eat some soup (200cals) i'm going to start my fast. i think i'm skipping the lemonade one- even tho it's supposed to burn more- just bc i don't have time to go to the store. i'm going to do chicken broth and water. that one usually works wonders bc i'm anemic and have low blood sugar- for some reason the chicken stock really helps out with dizzyness.

so i'm going to try my hardest to continue this through to sunday. i know it's not a long fast but considerign i haven't done one in... over three years (yikes!) i think it's okay to start small.

small and humble. what a desire ;) i really do want to start working out and getting down very small again- this time while being in shape. before i did it without working out just bci wanted to drop lbs as fast as possible- it left me with lovehandles even tho i was a 0. so i want to get nice and tone and do the veggies/fruit/lean chicken diet, NO CARBS.

bu-bye, pizza. and alcohol (sniff)

but i know i can do this, i mean i know it's in me. i just have to stop being so f-ing pathetic and suck it up and commit already.

nothing in life is easy.. for me the only easy thing is being fat.

fuck!
i am sooooo low right now!!!

god i'm such a raging alcoholic!!! UGH i am fucking SICK of myself!!

weak! weak! fucking just a weak stupid ass person!!

ARRRGH!!

i am so frustrated with myself. it's like HELLOOOO you can't drink so what do you do? you fucking waste of air??? you drink!! stupid stupid now i'm hungover and FUCK and can't function and i'm eating everything bc i'm hungover and can't function without food!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just want to scream cry tear out my hair cut myself fall asleep die. drink. sadly. fuck.

i mean b/ping and restricting HAS TO BE BETTER FOR ME than alcohol right?? god i know it's so bad to substitute one addiction for another but i don't know any other way to quit drinking!!!

bc it's making me fat, i have a little beer belly for fucks sake, what happened to the controled in control totally in control SKINNY person i used to be? what has happened to that girl? god even tho i was depressed as fuck and hated myself at least i was in control, sober and thin!

what am i now?

a girl who drinks at least a bottle of wine a night. who has no money bc i spend it all on booze. i don't take care of myself, i have to practically force myself to shower every day. and i hate my owrk, i never work, i just fuck off and am waiting for them to fire me, i have no drive, no determination, no commitment, i have no friends i'm anti social bc i'm paranoid. i'm depressed. i can't sleep without drinking. my fiance thinks i'm a fucking nutcase and i'll be surprised if he even marries me.

everyone thinks i'm solid and put together but i'm a fucking MESS!!! a hysterical, hung over, big fat fucking MESS.

the only way i can think to fix myself is to get fucking SOBER for one... and start restricting. i'm going to start on a liquid fast tomorrow when i'm not so fucking hungover and useless. then i'm getting serious. FUCK being hungover.

FUCK weighing 120!! god i can't REMEMBER the last time i weighed this much!! god 10lbs is NOT A BIG DEAL. i could lose that in two months time. if i start working out now, god i'd be a knockout by summer, and my wedding. i just want to be fucking happy or at least some little tiny chunk of that.

i just don't know what to do i feel so useless, anxious, unsure. scared.

i am so hungover
i think i'm going to throw up. and this time, ironically, i don't want to throw up. i think it's just going to happen. i feel so ill.

wine + vodka = hangover of a century.

why... o why did i drink that much... i am so exhausted, i am useless at work, i am a pathetic excuse for a person right now,

all i care about is foodfoodfood
but it doesn't make me feel better, just worse.

happy fucking holidays.

hrm.
so bc i work for a jewish-run company... i'm posting from my desk at work. this sucks. i mean royally. what private small company is open on xmas eve? ridiculous. and it's only bc the owner is in arizona, so his horrid pathetic excuse of an office manager is in control right now. i mean honest to god worlds biggest cow, she's just disgusting and cruel. i mean truly disgusting to look at.

the woman is like, 55, and is wearing LEGGINGS with KNEE HIGH BOOTS.

i mean shit. i wouldn't evenw ear that to the office and i'm uhm i dunno much smaller than her and 23! ugh.

sorry. this is just such a crap day. couldn't sleep last night, and tonight....

FAMILY PARTY.
=food
=me running to bathrooms to purge
=alcohol
=possibly making a fool of myself
=being horribly hungover tomorrow
=and being bloated all day tomorrow bc lets face it, i have no freakin self control when it comes to holidays.

and i've been wanting to cut out all of this drinking i do much too often and ... well i guess i'll 'go out with a bang.' it's next to impossible not to drink when i'm stuck with my family all night.

AND ITS AT MY HOUSE THIS YEAR. so lucky me, i get to do cleanup. 20-some people are coming tonight plus the wife of a friend

i DESPISE her she's utterly wretched

and i'm just so not looking forward to it. wow i'm such a a scrooge. i usually love xmas!!! it's just, this year....

i'm so depressed.

hope all of you are having a much better xmas eve. happy holidays

Current Mood: bitchy
Current Music: xmas music

sooooooooooo!
this is more or likely me writing to myself bc i know that this journal is soooo tragically old but pathetic little me can't seem to let it go.

or the memory that i once was at a gorgeously low weight.

now. i don't own a scale. am actually getting one for xmas. so i'm frightened/excited to see what my weight is.

scared, bc... i know it's going to be above 115.

excited bc this means... the heaviest and it's only downhill from here!! i know i can get back on track. i know i can get to 108.

things have changed recently... well nosorecently considering i never update, but i'm engaged now. i'm happy. for the most part.

except with my body.

and i'm healthier now. but part of me is soooooo upset over how out of shape and disgusting i've gotten... being in a relationship can do that. and i know im not 'fat' or 'overweight' but to me, i am heavier than i'm allowed to be.

so. after xmas i have decided i'm going to start my new routine. i want to start at 1,000/cals daily for about a month and see how that goes, possibly dipping below if i'm able to do it without feeling sick/faint.

then 800, then 600, then 500. at 500/cals/day i can lose relatively steadily, and feel in control. i can up it here and there but it's a good gauge for how much i can take in max- and still ahve spare cals for... i dunno a glass of wine? :)

anyway. so i recently met a friends girlfriend, she's a model and was ed'd just like me... and we're both wanting to get in shape and we're going tostart motivating each other. and we want to do it safely- i don't want to lose too many lbs too quickly bc... well... in all honesty, it's going to be too noticable. but i want to work out as well. so we're going to do daily weigh-ins and i think it's really going to help.

and it may be negative motivation in that... it's not exactly 'healthy' to 'normal' people to weigh yourself excessively... but i feel more in control, happier healthier and THINNER doing this.

and you know what? it's my life.

so i'm nervous and excited and scared out of my mind that i'll fail.

but i just have to look at my weight now at the end-all. i don't have to weigh this forever. and i won't.

excess.
so i went over what i wanted today. actually i'm not sure. i can't tell when i eat things that don't have a nutritional label stuck to them- i'm so bad at guesstimating. i had chicken inside of a pita, but i only ate maybe a quarter-sized amount of the pita, and about two bites of chicken... i didn't like how it tasted. i have no idea how many cals that is!!!

i had a salad with feta cheese just now, probably around 50-60 calories. for lunch i went to panera w/a coworker and ate... onion soup... no croutons but i did have cheese. so probably 100. and i ate the ....

BREAD. so of course i purged.

and then the alltoofamiliar fear... did i get it all up, am i having hunger pains only bc i b/p'ed or bc i got it all up and i'm really hungry...

so...

soup- 100
bread- about 100, i didn't eat the crusts.
salad- 60
chicken & pita- 200?
vitamin water- i think 80.

so right now we're at 400... 540. great.

that's 280 left.

that's not even enough for two beers.

i used to count GUM into my 500-calorie limit. now i'm telling myself that i'm going to go over, nothing i can do about it.

i guess i just b/p my way thru my day.

nothing ever changes.

full circle
well well. here i am again.

i'm guessing i'm maintaining a steady 113-115 range right now. i, in a stupid fit of 'recovery' tossed my scale. it didn't weigh correctly anyway. so now i depend on memory of my body at different weights.

i'm determined to stop this b/ping and focus more on restriction. i miss how my bones shot out against my skin, i miss feeling light, i miss feeling in control.

lately i've decided to stop drinking. i still drink just not every night. well. or at least i'm trying. i drank something like 5 beers last night which compared to what i was doing at my low?? pretty damn good. i used to pass out at around 10.

i figure if i cut out the alcohol that right there will shrink my stomach fat. in addition i'm going to start the sit up routine again.... UGH.... and restriction.

i'm testing myself this week and seeing if i can stick below 800cals/daily. i used to do so well at 500!!! i can't believe how much i've slipped up. the thought that at 106 i looked so much lighter....

alright. enough self-pity. fuck this food and it's power over me, i'm tired of being pathetic and weak and dependent on drugs. i'm tired. i'm so tired of having no control!

it's like i have to substitute one obession for another... if it's not an ed?? it's drugs or alcohol. self-harm. whatever it takes. and in the meantime i'm b/ping myself inside out and gainingainingaining.

not the life i want. if i have to be unhappy, i'm going to be fucking emaciated, damnit.

i feel like everyone updates in comms only these days. i'm drunk... i've had... eight glasses of wine... do i feel guilty? YES.

do i want to stop?

no.

i am ......... outside. of everyone. no one knows about my ed... i feel like a lier. i drink, even tho i know it makes me fat.... i love the feeling of not feeling.

i love not feeling.

1. Can you cook?
2. What was your dream growing up?
3. What talent do you wish you had?
4. Favorite place?
5. Favorite vegetable?
6. What was the last book you read?
7. What zodiac sign are you?
8. Any Tattoos and/or Piercings?
9. Worst Habit?
10. Do we know each other outside of Livejournal?
11. What is your favorite sport?
12. Do you have a Negative or Optimistic attitude?
13. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14. Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15. Tell me one weird fact about you.
16. Do you have any pets?
17. Do you know how to do the Macarena?
18. What time is it where you are now?
19. Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21. Would you be my partner in crime or my conscience?
22. What color eyes do you have?
23. Ever been arrested?
24. Bottle or Draft?
25. If you won $10,000 dollars today, what would you do with it?
26. What kind of bubble gum do you prefer to chew?
27. What's your favorite bar to hang at?
28. Do you believe in ghosts?
29. Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
30. Do you swear a lot?
31. Biggest pet peeve?
32. In one word, how would you describe yourself?
33. In one word, how would you describe me?
34. Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?

so today is going to be a good day, purging-wise. i haven't purged yet this morning and usually that's the sign that lets me know if i'll be bping all day or not. if i don't purge before 9.30 then i know i'll only purge about three times today. hopefully only two, when i eat lunch and when i eat my dinner around 4.30. i just ate a bologna sandwich- turkey bologna, so good. with mustard, weight watchers bread.. i had a dannon active this morning, that's 90 cals.

bologna sandwich-

bologna- 50
mustard- 0
bread- 45
total: 95.

dannon active- 90

grilled cheese:
bread- 100
cheese- 65
total: 165

one mini doughnut:
62.5

total for the day, 412.5.

wow.

i usually don't count the dannon active or the grilled cheese i eat in the morning for breakfast, because it's eaten at 7 in the morning and i figure i burn it off very quickly. maybe i should stop with the grilled cheese. i need to figure out a way to not get so hungry during the day. i remember when i started restricting to 500 it was so hard to not give in to the hunger pains. i'm trying to stop bping so often and get more toward restricting.. i'm going to new orleans at the end of next month, and i'm sharing a hotel room with a bunch of people and i know that i won't be able to bp there, so i want to be in control (somewhat) before that trip comes up.

plus i want to drop weight. it's kind of exciting to see how much i can drop in a month. i'm restricting to 1,000 for the rest of march, and then i'm going to drop to 750 for two weeks in april, and then to 500 the last two weeks. i did this before and it seems to help stave off the hunger pains. i want to do a cleansing fast sometime but i know that's going to be impossible since it's tax season and i'm working huge long hours, and have to be alert.

i'm eating a turkey sandwich for lunch god knows how many cals are in that... i only have about 600 left to spend. i figure that if i purge the entire sandwich, then i can eat a lean pocket for dinner (280cals) and then nothing else for the rest of the night. if i go home at 5.30 then i'll drink beer and won't want to eat anyway. god i'm so sick of constantly worrying over my fucking weight.

wow so i haven't updated this journal in a while, almost a year. it's like i go thru cycles, i try to get better, ultimately get even worse, and then come back.

i'm maintaining a weight of around 115, which is dissapointing. i'm working really hard right now to get down to 100. that's my goal for summer. i'm not working out tho and i know i should. i drink way too much. i fucking just hate my life, i hate being me, in general. someone replied to one of my posts and said that i was addicted to self harm, and that i go beyond bulimia. it does come in many forms.

i mean what are you supposed to do, when you realize you're addicted to hurting yourself? where do you go from there? how the FUCK did i get here?? i look like such a happy, sunny person, long blonde hair, slender, blue eyes, great house, steady boyfriend, lots of friends, i go out all the time, i dress well, i always seem happy... and then there's the me thats sobbing, purging, cutting, binge drinking, abusing sleeping pills, taking EXPIRED painkillers because there's nothing else in the house, abusing sex.... getting tattoo after tattoo... i'm even addicted to the bloody DENTIST. i keep going back and back for more procedures because it hurts.

i just don't know what to do, i'm so afraid that i'm going to kill myself one of these days. i have heart problems from purging for so many years... starving myself... cavities, constant kidney infections, skin problems, it never ends. it never fucking ends.

thursday
so i'm maintaining at a steady 112-113, but i'm going to florida on sunday- for a week (yay me!)and i need to drop to 110 by then.

plan of attack is as follows:

restrict between 500-800 today. no drinking.
restrict to 500 tomorrow, mild drinking in evening.
use xlax tomorrow evening.
saturday, eat only what is required- strictly salad only.
no drinking.

by this point i should drop the 3lbs, especially w/the xlax- even tho it's only water weight.

but i don't care.
by sunday, when i step off the plane in florida i should have a flat stomach
and weigh less
and thus, be happy.

nothing going on in other news. i'm going to the beach for an entire week- NO WORK- and i'll be able to keep my restriction really well there, because we'll have a kitchen and i can cook.

my boyfriend lost 7lbs in two weeks, because he's been eating my food instead of his own- everything low-fat low-cal fat free.

7 fucking lbs!

so now he's on this 'gain weight' diet and i've been cooking TWO dinners at night- one for him w/all fat-loaded things, like REAL butter and REAL sour cream and REAL milk and then making myself something small like a boca burger and salad and mustard. or something along those lines.

last night we grilled and i made four little turkey burgers, 160cals each, and it felt like such a treat to be able to eat a burger(sans bun)w/mustard and i felt like.. i wasn't ed'd.

it felt almost kind of normal.
except that no one(besides ed people)eat their burgers(turkey no less)w/no bun and mustard. bc it has no cals.

anyway. just ate 27 cheez its w/chalula hot sauce on top (160cals) and am looking forward to lunch at 12 when i get to have a turkey burger and a big salad!

i wish i didn't love to eat so much.
what nourishes me also destroys me?
just a tad.

i think i have a serious issue w/depression.
beyond like... feeling sad or depressed over a specific issue...

it's to the point where if i don't drink every night,
and when i say drink-
i mean, a bottle of wine, to myself-

i feel horrible.
not physically-
but
where i want to cry.
where every small thing
is an attack on me
as a person
because i'm not good enough
smart enough, thin enough, happy enough, brave enough,
_____ enough.

and i don't think there's a way to not feel this way...
i've tried
so many things.
except medication.

and is it even worth it?

do i even need it?

do i want it, even?

all i know is that i can't
hide at work
because tears are stinging my eyes because i feel useless,
or like someone else could do my job
and i'm not needed.

or feeling like an idiot all the time.
feelings of worthlessness.
and if i lose weight,
will i matter more?

if my matter, physically, is less-
does that mean
my determination and success
will make me weigh heavier
as an individual?

will getting noticed for control
mean that i am IN control?

it's so confusing, and i feel lost, i feel like
my ed
is just a substitute
just a way to aim focus away from myself and my depression.

and i used alcohol as a means to recover
from my ed-
and where did that get me?

fat,
and an alcoholic,
and right back where i started from..

losing, losing losing-
but what
am i trying to lose?

myself?

fuck this torment, i should be
so happy, i should be.
i should be.
but i'm not.
why?

isn't that the question of the day-
one syllable
to sum up
a lifetime of quandry.

so i'm writing to say that i weigh 112. after a huge horrible up-down-up slide i finally have kept it (relatively safely) at this weight for a while.

god it's hard trying to lose weight slowly and keep it off.
i seem to have great success losing 5lbs in one week then gaining it back the next.

decided i was sick of that. so i've been good at restricting and falling back into old habits.
even tho i'm still purging...
but less often.
down to about 1-3 times daily.

anyway- 112 in two weeks, from 117. not bad. slow but not bad. i'm trying to just maintain and then slowly get to 110, then hit 108. my body seems to lose weight in 2lb increments. last year it clung to 112.5 for dear life, then plummeted down to 107.5 in less than a month.

so i'm writing again.
as motivation,
a reminder,
whatever.

even if no one reads this anymore
except me, that's enough for now i suppose.

112 and sinking.

depression is a bitch.
i hate my job.
i work in an office
w/all overweight people
who tell me all day
that i'm thin.

and i started to believe it.
started thinking .. hey,
a cookie isn't going to kill me.

until i woke up and realized i weighed

117.

i haven't weighed this much ...
i can't even remember when.

112 is my high.
112!
117.
is disgusting.

i'm round and flabby and i hate it and i'm so upset and
everything makes me want to scream
and cry
and tear everything apart.

and my boyfriend
has no clue
why i don't want to have sex
why i'm so quiet
why i despise myself
and i'm not happy lately.

and i don't understand
how i've stuck to my cal count
for two days
and i weigh .5 more.

what the fuck is going on,
i cannot handle this,
i CANNOT be 117.

maybe i should buy a new scale-
but it'd be too simple
to just be the scale.

today i've eaten:

2 glasses green tea w/splenda
1/2 cup dry cheerios.

for lunch i'm scheduled for a large greek salad no dressing.

and i have broccoli that i'm going to steam

but i know it's not as easy
as just eating that.

i am near tears this morning
over a fucking number.

it's so depressing to look at myself and think back to a year ago.

one year ago, i was at the exact same weight i am right now.
i had shot up from 106-108 to a solid 110.
and stayed there.

and for an entire year i've been trying to get back lower and lower,
and it doesn't happen. i dip into the low 107 or 107.5 but then still come back a week later between 110-112.

and what's so ironic is.. last year, i was happy to just hit 110.
and out of nowhere, my body just kept going lower and lower.
i wasn't eating, i was purging anything that went into my mouth-
so no wonder i lost weight-

but now, it seems that i'm trying so hard and it's so impossible.
and i'm fluctuating between 108-110 right now, and i think back to how i was a year ago-
i was so fucking happy to see 108.

and now i'm horrified by it.

it's so frustrating, ed's are such strange creatures.
it seems normal to me to b/p.
to starve.
to be able to recite nutritional information verbatum.
i hate people telling me im thin.

and i hate this the most-
"i hate you, you're so thin and you eat whatever you want, whenever you want to!"

and i have to smile and shrug it off bc i have to.
bc i have to keep hiding.

and inside i'm screaming.
fuck you.
you should see what i do
after i eat
whatever i want
whenever i want.

you should see where i have to go
what i have to do
what i have no control over doing to my body.

and you thought eating was hard for you to do?
try not eating.
try being obsessed
over
fucking
food!

argh. and here i am knowing that i'm destroying my teeth, my ability to digest.
my sanity...

and i'm still thinking,
'just 106, lauren, just 106.'

and then what? 106 means 100, means 98.
and what then?

am i just waiting for something to smack me in the face(likedeathoraheartattack)before i end this?

and how can you end a love affair w/the only thing that has never, ever, ever failed you?
or left you?

god this is so sick. reading this probably makes anyone in their right mind think i'm nuts.

and it's disgusting to know that i really would
go as far as i could go
just to drop those numbers.

and who's in control now?
definitely not me.
irony kicks me in the ass again.

your entire life is about control.
and what are you trying to control?

your body?

in reality: your self.

and you can't.
you are who you are, and why are you ashamed?
to deny certain things-
bc of what you went thru, bc of being twelve years old, skinny
and scared.

and why do you want to go back to that place?

bc i think you want to return to the starting point
and try to start over.

but it's not possible, lauren.
you can't be twelve years old again.
things in your life are moving forward, and
you're so scared!
scared.

control your appetite for food-
once you realize that food cannot replace your need for recognition...
or your need for love,
or your need for sex-
for contact-
you will defeat this.

and you will always be this way-
fighting to lose weight.
and that's okay. you've accepted this. this is a part of you. this is part of who you are.

but it is not..
not.
all of you.

there is more.

i want to see what else there is to you.
to me.

lauren.

i am writing this as a reminder to yourself:

you must NOT give in to temptation.

do not eat cookies.
do not eat random pretzels (even tho they boast the 'fat free' sign, they're NOT GOOD for your waistline.)
do not snack on mints.

the calories add themselves.

there is a distinct danger in visiting the kitchen at work.
you must be strong.

you MUST NOT give in to anything

except:

water
coffee.

and THAT IS ALL.

to remind yourself of this message, lift your shirt
and look at your stomach
curving out beyond your hipbones
and look further
to your thighs.

and you tell me.
if you need.
cookies.
and.
fruit.
and anything,
that will add more and more and more and more and more

onto your once-gorgeous frame.

you once weighed 106, lauren.
it's in you to weigh 100.
even your 98.

imagine.
98,

perfection.

salvation.

SALVATION.

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